Now What?

This parenting saga comes to us from GG, who blogs at The Glad Gardener. With four older stepchildren plus a 4-year-old in the house, she has plenty of material. And it’s no wonder why she loves going outside to get dirty.

I have an ongoing battle with my 15-year-old (Cassie, short for Procrastinator). She has very poor school habits that she clings to like it’s the last piece of pizza in the buffet. So I tried to work with her on these things, offering help, trying to get her to talk to her teachers if she didn’t understand things, creating a schedule so she might be better organized in life and also have dedicated homework time every day. I started the grounding after these things didn’t seem to help. I told her that she couldn’t go to her friend’s on the weekends (one of her favorite pastimes) unless she turned in all her late/missing assignments. I had a list and come Friday, I wanted to know that they were done or she couldn’t go over to her friend’s house. She told me they were done, and I would later find out that not only were they NOT done but after the weekend away more stuff was missing.  I decided to then take away her phone, internet, and spending time with her friends.

On the night I told her that she had 20 minutes to say goodbye to her friends and I needed her cell phone, I received a text from her saying, “I know you will judge me but I am coming out of the closet.  I am Bi and am dating ****.” My first thought to this was, “What does this have to do with your terrible grades?!?!?!” I did not text her that though. I came up with something “Politically Correct” like, “Ok, regardless of that you still have to get your grades up so I will need your phone in 10 minutes.”

This was a couple of months ago.  I was hoping to see her grades improve.  She goes to tutoring for her math class three times a week and sits down at the table (I see her) for her dedicated 2 hours to do homework, but her grades are still awful.

One night, I am not sure what started me thinking about it but I wanted to find her cell phone. I looked in the place I normally keep it (my nightstand drawer) and I couldn’t find it. . . so I looked in other places thinking I might have put it elsewhere and forgot. I couldn’t find it anywhere in my room. I was beginning to get very angry. I went to the room she shares with her two older sisters and asked to speak with her. I asked her “Where is your cell phone?” She said (can you believe it), “It was an emergency!!!” OK. . . What kind of cell phone emergency could she have had? If there was an emergency she could have used the house phone (which is hooked up in her room) or borrowed her sister’s phone. I called her on her BS right there and told her to get me her phone AND the charger. When she brought them to me I asked her what made her think that she could go through my stuff and look for ANYTHING!! I was SO mad.

I figured she could be grounded forever at this point — I could care less. However, I came up with something better. I told her (when I could stand to talk to her again without being pissed) that if I EVER found out that she went through my things again OR was doing things that she was grounded from that I would take her cell phone, put it in a Ziploc bag and pound it with a hammer. That got her attention. So far the phone is still in its new hiding spot.

So now this leads me to my next quandary with this situation. I won’t let Blue, who is 17, spend the night at her boyfriend’s house because I feel that she needs to wait until she is 18.  (Please don’t ask me to explain this. . . I just don’t think she needs to be spending the night at her boyfriend’s house before she’s 18 or older.  She needs to experience sneaking around to have sex just like the rest of us did).  However, if Cassie IS bi-sexual (and I have no problems with it one way or the other) then how can I let her spend the night at her friend’s house even if they are just girls?!?!  In fact, how can I let her spend the night at ANY of her friends’ houses after this? I wouldn’t let Blue spend the night at a boy’s house even if they weren’t dating. I also can’t really let the friend stay here either (even though I would supervise them) because I wouldn’t let Blue’s BF spend the night.

Here is my thing. Life isn’t fair and sometimes the rules you have for one you can’t have for the other. I like Blue’s BF but wouldn’t want him to spend the night here. I also like Cassie’s friends and wouldn’t mind them spending the night here. Maybe it’s because I don’t think that Cassie would “do anything” here but Blue might?  I am not sure.

It’s still a mystery. I am open to any suggestions.